Why Go to Couples Counseling?
In this posting, I am going to tell you why couples go to counseling. What are couples looking for? I have twenty years of clues about that. As you read along you might pick up fresh ideas about what counseling has to offer, as well.
Probably, you and the rest of the world would imagine that couples can have problems sometimes and need someone to talk to. That’s not a bad place to start since in my opinion American society widely distills bad advice and ill-conceived ideas about love and commitment. It would be better to fill popular culture with real information about how to form healthy relationships. Wouldn’t we be better in every way?
Personal Lifestyle Negotiation
Did you ever notice that romantic comedies always end when the couple decides to marry? I say switch gears and let the movie begin when the couple has reached an understanding that they want to commit to each other. The road ahead looks like a long, long series of discussions to determine what commitment means to them. Where are the discussions about life priorities, their individual desires plus demonstrations of their ability to conceive and follow through on shared goals? Where is the relationship planning based on a shared vision for the relationship? What about the beginnings of determining structure in the relationship? “I would like to explore a deep and committed long-term relationship with you.” This is when negotiations begin. Couples counseling can help you to do personal negotiation that has both emotional and spiritual satisfaction. It’s the business of romance, that is, if you want to build something both good and lasting.
No, personal negotiation isn’t anything like business/boardroom negotiating. You negotiate as life partners, focused on the other’s needs. Your aim is understanding each other’s needs and then forming structure and plans to meet all needs combined. Couples seek a therapist or counselor to develop a practice of deep listening, for instance. They want a method for examining their own individual desires and then for how to express them honestly and without barriers. Couples go into counseling for support as they devise a relationship structure that will support their goals and desires. Couples can learn how to partner. It’s a necessary skill for successful long-term committed relationships.
Conflict Resolution
Yes, conflict resolution is one of the reasons that motivate couples to seek counseling. Think of conflict broadly because the two persons might merely have deep questions. A couples counselor would be that knowledgable, highly-experienced guide to help them. A trained therapist or counselor is a valuable aid in addition to guidance that you have respect for from relatives or friends. The counselor can be just the right professional help needed before there are any conflicts in need of resolving. From where does anyone learn how to keep discussions open when there are inevitable differences? How do you stay engaged with your partner and not withdraw? How do you encourage your partner to hang in there with you and always to speak honestly? Couples can learn really good communication practices in a counseling session.
So, how do you work together no matter what arises? Problem solving is creative work, not drudgery. I am talking about learning a partnering skill: sticking together no matter what, encouraging each other, keeping each other’s needs in mind all the time, and mutually pursuing proven-to-be-effective problem-solving strategies.
Counseling sessions can focus on problem solving strategies. A counseling session can help with understanding a problem better so that the couple can develop their answers and have the confidence to act on their decisions.
I ask couples which way they are going when conversations get a little difficult: one step closer to their partner with new opportunities to understand each other better or many steps away from each other with emotional distance guaranteed.
Dating
American singles sometimes seek counseling to support their dating goals. For some individuals, counseling gives the client a stronger knowledge of themselves and, therefore, a firm confidence as they step out into the dating pool. They might discover areas that they would like to work on. Feeling more able to express themselves, being emotionally less burdened, and able to offer themselves as a truly healthy dating companion are a few worthy goals. People can be quite motivated to use dating just for fun, to enhance their social life. Counseling sessions can help. People can be motivated to use dating as a means to meet (and begin to get to know) potential mates. Counseling can get you ready by raising your potentiality as a life mate. For instance, almost everyone needs to learn how to partner with another human being in order to form a sustainable, committed relationship.
Counseling can be your support and your learning space
- while dating or at the pre-commitment stage or
- at any stage during a long-term relationship or
- while dealing with a breakup and its recovery.
Also, rebuilding trust during any of these life stages can be successfully worked on with counseling support.
I can report that through the years I have gotten folks ready to date. This entailed lots of self-discovery. It also meant dissuading them of lots of bad assumptions about dating. Building up a new self-love orientation that radiates good feelings out into the world was key.
Dealing with Life Problems
Life happens to all of us: weddings to go to, the significant needs of siblings, dealing with family property, births and deaths, the joys and issues of spending time with friends or the consequences of having no friends, successes and failures, personally and professionally, health issues, and so much more. Couples can explore decision making in the safe, supportive space of a counseling session. Think of counseling as support services. In no instance is the therapist or counselor making your decisions for you or telling you what to do with your life or taking away your control. The counselor is there to offer kindness, understanding, and knowledge. They will offer various logical strategies that will assist your own reasoning. You might be surprised by the clarity of your thought within the safe, supportive counseling environment.
No Problems, at All
Some of the genius of counseling is that it offers terrific support for individuals or families who are not working through problems. If life is swimming along quite nicely you might choose to have a counseling session because you would value conversations about your work or about some aspect of your life with a professional sympathetic listener with objective views.
Alternative Lifestyles
People have always, always in every generation found their own special relationship path no matter the laws or rules or cultural expectations of any society. Today’s world is no different. We, Americans, think that there are traditional ways to conduct a marriage or a long-term relationship but whose traditions would those be? How can one model fit every individual or family? Today, there are therapists and relationship counselors who are adept at hearing with great openness the real needs of
- same-sex couples,
- multiple-partner clusters,
- and being supportive of non-traditional sexual practices and more.
Today, couples are questioning every aspect of their family life, including where they will live such as near relatives or not, will they live in the same house together all the time, will they have one shared bedroom or two separate bedrooms, and so much more. Counseling can be very useful to feel heard and accepted as you are working out what works the best for you and your family. Nothing is more important than choosing and maintaining conditions that work the best for you. Counseling support can help.###